Let me start off by saying I am not innocent what so ever. I did some “off putting” things to this man not physically but verbally and maybe even mentally.
I should have listen to that rattle…
I was 20 when I met you. It was a warm summer day; June 2013, sun smiling down just enough to cause my skin to glisten. I saw you. You saw me. Something deep inside rattled and said no. Maybe it was the fact that I was still living on my exes couch, whatever it was, I did not listen.
(60) days later and we were signing the lease to our new apartment. Rewind a month before that, you and I had gotten each other’s names tattooed. I was living in bliss and all warning signs were ignored and nullified. I didn’t realize how controlling you had always been. How demanding you was when it came to what you wanted to do.
One time you slapped me so hard I blacked out after seeing stars floating in my face. Still, I did not go.
Me, being a child who was discipline by getting yelled at, was not use to getting hit. You saw the look of disbelief on my face; I don’t remember what the argument was about, but I remember your apology followed by “I wont put my hands on you again”. Still, I did not leave.
We had been in our apartment for (6) months at this point and arguments, physical and verbal abuse became a normal day to day task…for the both of us. I get angry I throw something, I yell, you would meet my emotions and follow up, on a good day, with words of hatred, on a bad day, I knew I was calling out of work the next day.
We decided to come up with a “contract” We signed stating what we would not do to each other, and so on. And had promised we would be better to each other.
We had one year down together and had moved into our new apartment and slowly, I thought I had begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel.I told myself, You came from a great family, which I loved. You met my parents who tolerated you, which was rare. I thought we had made it through the difficult times.
I dont know when. I dont know how. All I know is the abuse started to happen again. Left and right we were fighting. I had black eyes, busted lips, bruises, bite marks so deep where I needed stitches, you name it. I thought I was in love. I thought this was who God placed for me to love. I had hopes that this was a phase. Still, through all this, I did not leave.
“We accept the love we think we deserve”
I would cry to God asking why me. I remember taking some sleeping pills contemplating taking the whole bottle. I was living in the darkness that no one could see because I didn’t want them to.
I was scared of you but still I protected you. I fell on accident. Oh no, he wouldn’t dare put his hands on me. I even lost friends/family over you. I wouldn’t go to see my parents if I had any new scars. And I think you liked that and took advantage.
Long story short, the VERY last time you put your hands on me I went to my mom. She burst out crying and what stuck with me is her saying, “I dont want to have to get that call that I have to bury my daughter”. To see how this not only affected me short and long term, it was stressing my mother out.
I took the necessary, way over due, steps and started a new life…without you.
I am free. I am happy. And I will NEVER put myself in that situation again. It took sometime to consider myself strong. For almost (3) years I was a punching bag. I had lost my voice. I felt like I was walking on egg shells when I got home. I had lost myself and over the past year in a half, I am just now starting to find who I use to be and becoming who I want to be.
When I got into my next relationship, I was stuck where you and I had left off. I took everything out on him. Waiting…patiently for the hit across the face. It never came. In fact the opposite happened, he loved me more because he knew I was hurting.
All the walls: You taught me how to cut people off I loved , you taught me to hide my emotions and keep a poker face, you engrained submissiveness into me although it contradicted who I was. BUT He came in my life and tore every wall down you created by LOVE.
I am a fighter. I am brave. And this is my story. I relearned how to fight for myself. To not accept what is not right for me.
If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship or if you are in an abusive relationship call: 1800-799-7233
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